Stumbled on day 51, but I’m better-off for it

I made a choice to have some beer last night, Wednesday, my 51st day of getting my drinking under control.  But, I don’t feel like a failure… quite the opposite!

Yesterday, a bunch of us went-out after work to provide some support for a friend who had just gotten fired earlier in the day.  As with most such “celebrations”, it took place at the local bar, of course with drinking involved.

The entire drive from the office to the bar, I was 100% consumed with thoughts of “will I drink tonight, since it’s a social event, or will I skip?”  Even walking from the car into the bar, my choice was still up in the air…

But, when I got there, I thought to myself, “Hey, my goal in all of this is to learn to drink normally/socially/infrequently, so this seems like an appropriate time to let-loose and try it.”

So I did.

Over the course of the night, I had two of the on-premise crafted micro brews.  But, while I normally would have gone for 3 or 4 previously, I purposely stopped myself at two.  Good – this is exactly what I need to learn to be able to do any time I decide to drink.

But, on the way home, I figured I’d grab one of my Pit Bull malt liquors since I had been dying to conduct a bit of an “experiment” and see if I liked drinking it, at home, after all this time being sober.  I have even discussed this with Dave Andrews of the 30 Day Sobriety Solution.  It’s a dangerous experiment, but I felt I was ready to see how I’d react.

So, I got home and drank the Pit Bull.  I watched Survivor, stayed-up too late, and went to bed and conked-out immediately without reading at all.  Basically, all of the stuff I used to do when slamming PB at home.

But this time, I learned…

When I woke up the next day with a slight headache (man, my tolerance must be near zero now…), a fuzzy mind, and not remembering the ending to Survivor, I realized that I didn’t enjoy drinking at home enough to offset the loss of the other things I enjoy.

And today, I have even less desire to drink than normal — it just doesn’t sound good at all right now.  And that’s not because I’m hungover or anything.  I just simply don’t feel like choosing to drink in the least.  That little voice that was always nagging me “hey, let’s just try it and see” is now entirely gone.

So, am I glad I chose to “fall off the wagon” last night?

Yes, actually I am, because it helped cement in my mind, in a very experiential way, just what it is that I was missing by getting blasted on PB every night, all night.  I now have a solid example in my mind of the comparison between not drinking and drinking.

I learned a lot, and that I’m proud of.

Will I drink one or two at social events every now and then?  Maybe, maybe not.  But will I get back into drinking at home?  Nope.  It just isn’t that appealing after seeing both sides.

I guess from now-on, I can’t claim I’ve been entirely sober for 52 days and counting, but I can say that I’ve reclaimed my life for 52+ days and counting, and that I can live with!